Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year Resolution


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Agree to Disagree!



A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway. 

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. 

When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
 


Hard Times


Friday, December 20, 2013

What is your wish?


A thirst that needs to be quenched?


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”






Monday, November 18, 2013

The Pasta Diet



The Pasta Diet and Your Health


ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1. You walka pasta dah bakery.

2. You walka pasta dah candy store.

3. You walka pasta dah ice cream shop.

4. You walka pasta dah table and dah fridge.

You will lose weight!



CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY

CARBS IN YOUR DIET?


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION 

Eat and drink what you like . . .

Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!



Saturday, September 21, 2013

Cat Humor


Poor kitty looks hungry!

Thanks to James Hallman for posting this to Facebook :)




Wednesday, September 18, 2013

No room at the inn




Believe it, those were sad days!

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

“Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”

“Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”

“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”

“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”

“Jesus, Son of Mary.”

“Where was he born?”

“In a stable.”

“And why was he born in a stable?”

“Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!”



I'm sharing this from James Hallman, a Facebook friend!


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Diagnosis for a red head



A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and
 says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and 
screams  in agony. She pushes her knee and
screams,  pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says,
“You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”

“I thought so, the doctor says. 
“Your finger is broken.”



Friday, August 23, 2013

Adam's Suit



A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
 with fascination, looking at the old pages
 as he turned them.

Then something fell out, and he picked it
 up and looked at it closely.

 It was an old leaf from a tree that had been
 pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice,
 he answered, “It’s Adam’s Suit!”




Saturday, August 10, 2013

An Italian Boy's Confession



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 

'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' 


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Fur Coat





Watching her mother as she tried
 on her new fur coat, the young
 daughter said unhappily,
 "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb
beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look,
 "How dare you talk about your father like that!"







Monday, April 8, 2013

Uncommon Cough Cure





The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. 
 
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 
 
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. 
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 
 
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" 
 
The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"