Sage Advice

Pumpkin on Botox

Another bad botox job.

Even pumpkins have turned vain!

Halloween Weirdness

Political correctness has 

caught up to Halloween.

Halloween Collision

She must have been texting and driving!

No Halloween Treats for You!

What a nasty trickster!

Why didn't they just turn out the light?

Merry Halloween?

He arrives earlier every year!

The ghosts, witches and

pumpkins want their time

in the spotlight without

Santa horning in!

Don't upset the ghosts

and goblins!

Noah's Ark Cats

That explains it!

A likely excuse . . .

I wonder if it worked?

Rolling Eyes

This cartoon cracks me up!

It reminds me of my mom telling me to stop rolling my eyes when she tries to run my life.  Seems like I developed the trait when I was a teenager . . .

What is also funny to me is that The Captain rolls his eyes a lot and so do his sisters and brother!  It is a family trait . . .

Cast The Nets!

People who really don't listen . . .

they are everywhere!

Love this cartoon!

When butterflies go south . . .

When I saw this Maxine cartoon on my friend Arthur's page on Facebook, I had to steal it!

I've often wondered what all these people with tattoos are going to look like in like 25 years.  Back in the day, most tattoos were confined to military guys who had the "mom" tattoo on their arm.

We shall see!

Mad Wife Disease

I found this joke on the page of one of my Facebook friends:

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him

and whacked him on the head with a magazine

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again . . . this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

'Your horse phoned.'

ahhh . . . The Single Life

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

 

New Year Resolution

No room at the inn

Believe it, those were sad days!

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

“Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”

“Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”

“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”

“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”

“Jesus, Son of Mary.”

“Where was he born?”

“In a stable.”

“And why was he born in a stable?”

“Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!”


I'm sharing this from James Hallman, a Facebook friend!

An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 

'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

The Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried

 on her new fur coat, the young

 daughter said unhappily,

 "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb

beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look,

 "How dare you talk about your father like that!"

Uncommon Cough Cure

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. 

 

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. 

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" 

 

The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

Lottery casualty

A woman came home,

screeching her car into the driveway,

and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and

shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags.

I won the lottery!"

The husband said,

"Oh my God!

What should I pack,

beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said.

"Just get the hell out."